update

sorry bout not posting lately. busy with my stuff..

glad that trial is finally..OVER!!! i can finally sleep in peace.

having a cracking lips which bleeds with four cuts at each side of the corner of my lips..maybe i got so carried away studying til i totally forgotten to drink water..it hurts. ><>

slept less then 5hours almost throughout the whole month and im bummed. @.@

every night, it always have to take me 1hour plus to finally get into my dreamland. it's so annoying. as i lied on my bed, my mind would always be thinking bout how to solve this question and that. sometimes couldnt even figure it out so just get out of my bed and start flipping through some books to confirm the answers. -.-  then turn off the lights and lie there again. hoping i would fall asleep soon.

well.. since its over now.. i guess i can sleep well.. hopefully. im so going to release my tension and stress during this holiday. hopefully i'll do smtg crazy. =p

we'll see then..

anyway.. i'll post bout the passed few week..

last last sunday.. there was suppose to be a moral crash course over at Taylor.. so.. after the church sunday's school had ended.. me and my family quickly rush up all the way from klang to subang. after dad had drop me off.. i walked up from Inti to Taylor and guess wat?

the door was locked and there's not a single humanbean inside that place. so i asked the guards at the guard house. ended up kena scolded. i was like... did i do smtg wrong? obviously the course is going on right? and i've ald paid the money..

feeling lost and dunno wat to do next..

my phone was out of credit and there was not even one cent in my pocket.. i crossed over to a near by shop and stood there, feeling hopeless.." wat am i gonna do now?!, its only 2.00pm and dad wont be coming to pick me up til 7.30pm?" daRn!!

suddenly, saw a few guys coming up. it was hsien yoong's gang. thank goodness. so the five of us, standing in front of Taylor, dunno wat to do. one of HY's fren ( forgot wat's his name,lol) called the center and they said its next week. my god~!! we feel like wanna scold these ppl. didnt even inform us that the time and date had been postpone.

we looked like 5 idiots standing there, feeling hopeless. 

with no choice, we moved towards to MCD. lucky thing i brought account. the guys soon took off.. they headed for asia cafe, obviously the Cyber Cafe over there til.. i dunno wat time. i think around 5 or so gua.. so left me alone sitting in the middle of the MCD among the ppl. 

soon i moved to one of the corner which there's only two sits and its somewhere leads beside the wall. yup.. i slept there bcoz i was so daRn tired. yeap.. i really slept. til bout 4, i woke up.. and start doing my things. talked to a college girl sitting beside me. seriously, she was rajin that i rmb b4 i slept she was stil reading that THICK book while her guy frens were smoking outside. when i woke up, she was stil reading that book. semangat.

throughout the day.. i observed that her guy frens study for only 1hour or so then ended up puffing on their ciggrates then ended up playing black jack with another girl who they've bum into. pity that girl..even her bf dump her studying alone there and ended up joining the guys to play poker.

finally the boys came back from CC. start doing our work and got addicted to the frice. lol. all the way til 7:30pm only we all head back. obviously.. my parents would start doubting again. saying things which are not true. but who cares neway.. as long i've tell them the truth, God knows wat im doing and that's enough.

check out the rainbow. cant really see it tho

in front of MCD.

saw this little beauty.. she's like the cutiest and prettiest thing ever..LoL

a lil.. too dark..

after the following week, saturday. (last week) we confirm bout the course was on b4 the day,friday night. the center did tel us that the course was on and the time. BUT THEY DIDNT TELL US THE LOCATION CHANGED!!! of course we [the five idiot] went again. this time, dad rushed all the way from KLIA to fetch me up and ended up it was cancelled again.lucky thing this time, i didnt kena scolded from the guard. some other shol ppl came. thank goodness i didnt go in the lecturer hall bcoz i saw a few ppl wearing uniforms.

called HY and he said "ask ur dad to come back" i was like.. "WAT THE.." i raised my voice so loud that most of the ppl started to look at me. i walked towards MCD again.. cursing all the way. feel like wanna burn down the kancil center. urgh...

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looking back at some pictures.. look at how much they've grow just made me smile..

when she was small..

look at her grow...

Childhood with the sister..

yawn...

Grown Up

yawn again.. [gee.. she always yawn -.-]

the elder sister

not forgetting... the mother..

For just once..Let me go...

PS::: This post might be a sensitive one.. and i got a feeling that its gonna be real loonnnggg.. my apology if this post had brings any offence to you.. or anything... but well.. currently im having a bitch feet for the first time in my life.. 

exploding.. *BOOM!!* so... yeah.. might be typing things that are not very nice to hear..i can even throw my comp out of the house and into the sky like no one's business..

example like.. in the "kungfu panda" movie.

Tai Lung had been bounce up into the sky.. far away...

of course, i am not gonna do that bcoz i might get strangle by my parents..

anyway.. i'll let me emotions take over.....

oh...and just to let you know.. dun worry.. its not referring to anyone of you readers... wonder whether you guys had been going through the same situation.. or maybe u're one of the lucky one..

nevermind.. -.- 

here goes............

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im SOO SICK..sick of YOU telling ME this and that.

Judging me each and every single day.

You confiscate my phone, my money, my certains, my comforter and even my IC you wouldnt let me to hold it with me.. so forward..
I said nothing to anyone but only to myself

You hit me as hard as you could,
I stand there and said nothing.

You judge me, throw hurtful words at my face every single day,
I said nothing but i take it in even tho how much i dun wanted too..

You grounded me,
I complain but i accept it later on..

You read my diary, [without my permission that is, and its not the first time]
I found out and never ever said a thing neither do i shout at you nor talked to you that it isn't ur right to do so but i only pretend that nothing had happen.

Unfortunately,

You found out my weakness through my diary;

yet you used it as a weapon to attack my fragile heart.

I fall apart.

You saw me getting hurt,
You did not comfort me other than shoot at me with more of ur hurtful words or even laugh out loud at my back..

You spy on me wherever i go,
Accidentally i saw you from a distance, i got hurt, i got embarrassed and wonder why..

You doubt me,
I didnt say a word even tho it hurts

On the day that i wish i'll win something back for you,
I asked you izit possible to do so?
You shot right back saying that there's no chance of winning on the things bcoz this and that..

I got back with the results,metal, or thing..
You smile, but later that you said the word "You're just lucky"

From that forward, i didnt wanted to attend any event anymore because there's no use to go for that stupid match or thing which means nothing to me..

You complain when i got up late morning [9plus or even 10]
Due to tiredness, i would really need some rest but you accuse me by saying i was doing something late at night.

WHAT IS SO WRONG FOR WAKING UP LATE??!!

EVERY TEENAGERS DID THAT, EVEN ADULTS!!

You said i was different from others,
I was bad,
I was a monster,
But had you really got to know me or them b4 you said that?

You throw mud on my face,
I didnt walk away.

I think of you each time i make a decision.
I have always consider bout whether you'll be happy with it.
But you never see it.

Because of you,
I've loose so many things and chances.
I've let go all of them just of you.

The way you look at me
Is like you're looking at a tree.

A tree who grows up as the years pass by,
A tree who stand straight,
A tree who has no feelings
A tree who wouldnt fight back.

Everytime when you're in a bad mood, 
You used a knife to cut on this tree just to release your anger and your stress.

Even dogs have feelings too..
You pamper it and it brought laughter into the house.
But not a tree.

I rest my head on my palm by the table before i dig into my soup after studying for hours.
You looked at me from the distance,
Give me a glare,
A glare that i hated most,
and say thing which is SO NOT TRUE.

You compare me with others,
Their so perfect for you and im not,
Then why not go adopt them and just throw me to the orphanage?
I'll live.

You once said that You will love me no matter what consequences comes.
But before any consequence that is going to happen[which i doubt there will be] 
You've already hurt me enough.

By your words, your actions, and ur mindset.

I thought you understand, i thought you love me.

When i was a child,
i often thought i was the most luckiest girl, 
Who is growing under a memorable childhood.

Being loved and to love.

I promised to myself[ever since i was a child]
Who ever that is my guy,
I'll treat him twice of my love that you have used to treat me.
I'll love him..
I'll keep him close..
I'll be loyal to him..
I'll stay by his side...
I'll be always there for him whenever he needs anything

I wan to let him feel like the luckiest guy to have a girl who will be always right there to support him, hold him when he falls..
Because he deserves it.. 
Everyone deserves it..

Wanting to share the pure and naive love and God's love among the two..

But everytime, things doesnt turns out the way i hope for..
I would'nt mind but i kept my promise close to my heart and never break it.

Now.. i felt that you no longer love me.
Even tho i knew you love me, but ur actions and words had been giving the signal which is to hurtful for someone to believe that you actually love them.

I knew you love me,
But you never like for who i am and for having this characteristic.

Im only 17.....
You are once too....
There's so much to explore......
The road is still long........

During the journey,
I wanted to fall down..
Get up again..
Because i knew it was necessary to do so.

I wanted to take the risk....
But you wouldnt let me............

Yes, i've done a lot of wrong.
I made you tear...
I watch you tear........
My heart fall apart when i saw the tears drill down from ur face.......

I often tell you,
Explain to you,
You forgive me and i was relief, i was comfort, you finally understand

I finally told someone how i felt,
Which is YOU.

But im glad i never tell you all of my hidden feelings
Because later on...
I regret.

You used words that was spoken by the guy i loved most to shoot at me..
You used my future..
You used EVERYTHING..
It's like there's nothing better to do then to destroy my fragile heart.

Yes, im stubborn.
I am still one.

But one thing i can assure you..

When i do something,
I have my reasons.

I did things is not because it was my desire nor what u're thinking....
I did things because i know it was right and it's worth it to do so.............

Im not hiding anything because there's nothing to hide.
Im firm in my stands and you should know that very clearly ever since the beginning....
But it seems that you never did........

Sometimes..sometimes i even wonder am i even a part of you..........

You are once young before,
We all are.
We are hyper, 
We are active,
We are aggressive,
We are explorers,
We are love freedom.

But why are you taking my freedom away from me when i needed it most?

When you think im old enough?

How long should i wait til you finally will give me back my freedom?
20?
30?
40?
Or even the days after i got married?

You've been hurt once.
So deeply.
I may not understands it completely..
But im sure i can feel part of the pain because i've seen it happen on the ones i loved.

My sympathy for you and i promised you i'll never do anything to hurt you again.
I'll love you more than ever.
I'll walk through this with you.
I'll protect you and be ur shelter.

Fear that one day you might leave me.

I asked around for info..
My emotions break down at the thought of the hurtful feelings that you're going through.
It took me awhile to accept things and
Finally had the guts to looked at the eyes of the person who had hurt you..

You've finally forgive for what that person had did to you after many years..
Im happy for you.
But does that mean you can start to hurt me?

Thank God i was grown up in the church,
Under God's Grace and Love..
There.. i felt home.
The comfort that you never felt before and will never find in the outside world.

God knows what will happen to me if i wasnt there..
In His grace.. i grow stronger each and everyday.

Let me go~

Let me breathe~

For just once and i'll be looking forward for that day......

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When you first tell a person u'll be always right there for them,
make sure you keep ur promise.

words might be easier to say but do u ever work it out instead of always saying?

"It's okay..I'll be always here for you if you need anything."

sound familiar?

next few days, u're doing ur things and totally forgot about the person.
now.. is it a word that you used to say?
Are you keeping it?

Probably people who heard you saying tis might feel comfort at the beginning..

but few days later,

by the time when u've totally forgotten bout him/her, he/she might think tat it's all just bullshitting.

Straight forward..

If you're not always there for that person then DONT SAY SO!!!

Just be a listener and dun make any promises unless u're willing to walk through this with him/her, which.. it'll took a real long LOONNGG time and more energy to do so. 

Trust me, it's tiring and its never easy. =)

sorry bout the post above.. just having swingings moment..

Great days ahead.. 

take care ppl.. 

im out

*HuGZz!!*

~GraceKoh~