This Person, This Someone

I hope you fall in love with :-

Someone who doesn't make you question your worth.
Someone who makes you feel seen for the beautiful person that you are in and out.
Someone who doesn't fight your flaws but rather fights with you against them.
Someone who chooses you confidently every single day.
Someone who inspires you to give the best part of yourselves to the world.
Someone who's strong enough to stay through the storms and not put additional weight on your relationship.

Someone who makes you laugh until your stomach hurts.
Someone who can share with you sweet silence and make you feel safe in the space in between that silence.

Someone faithful.
Someone trustworthy.
Someone imperfect but who admits when they're wrong and tries to make it better.
Someone who is afraid to lose you.
Someone who opens your heart to the world.
Someone who makes you venture, excited for tomorrow.
Someone who cares about others and compassionate.



Someone who doesn't take life too seriously.
Someone who will dance with you in a room full of people.
Someone who doesn't mind going on car rides with music at 5am in the morning.
Someone who is willing to watch a beautiful sunset with you.
Someone who understands your love language.
Someone who is always willing to understand and give you.
Someone who is responsible.
Someone who puts effort into themselves and you.
Someone who gets you, a person that can slowly become your best friend, a real partner that can balance you out.
Someone who shows up.
Someone truly kind.

Til then,

Grace Koh

Cave

I feared I might cave and look somewhere other than God for relief. It wasn't as though I couldn't have gone to someone for pastoral counseling or prayer support. I am richly surrounded by all of that, and I have made use of it far more often than I'm sure most of these kind people had time for in their busy schedules.

But I knew this was between me and God. He was doing something that I couldn't understand or explain to anyone else. And I had to go through it with Him alone.

I cried every single day. Actually, crying is not a strong enough word. Gut-wrenching sobs is more like it. I was continually blinded by rivers of unending tears. Even when the tears weren't visible on the outside, they flowed silently inside. Without any warning they would overtake me in an instant and spill over into the visible so profusely that I would have to excuse myself from where I was. Sometimes, my insides would be so strongly constricted by sobs that it was hard to breathe. It was not merely emotional; it was deeply spiritual. And I felt as though I were in a battle. A battle for my soul. A battle with God, but with the enemy of my soul. The enemy who wanted to destroy me and had tried so often and hard to do so in my past.

I couldn't explain it, and I didn't even want to try. Once again I had to lay down every dream I ever had. I'd done that in the past. Numerous times. I surrendered my dreams to God and let them die. Then He took away the ones that were not from Him and resurrected the ones that were. The difference now was that these were the dreams I thought God had resurrected. They were the ones He had given me, and I thought they were mine to keep. These had been my joy to think about. And now, it hurts unbearably to let them go. It tore at the fabric of my being. But I had to surrender everything to the One who would ultimately determine whether I ever saw those dreams realized or not.

It was pointless to resist.

I hope.. through it all, I will remain with my heart bowed at my heavenly Father's feet, humbled before His throne, and clinging to the hem of His garment. I hope the reason that I cried every time was for Him, particularly when I thought of all He had done for me. How He had sent Jesus to earth for me. 

Maybe, just maybe, I will soon realized that God wanted me to take our relationship personally. I thought I had been doing that, but He wanted more. What He had done in my life up until that point would pale in comparison  to what He wanted to do in my heart now.

God wanted to have such free reign in my heart that I would allow Him to break it up, pummel it, grind it into sand, and then make something new. Ultimately not just for me and my benefit, but for others as well.

I hope years down the road, I will come to see in deeper measure how awesome and wonderful our Lord is. How worthy of our praise and worship He is. We see so little of His greatness with our finite minds. We are practically clueless in our approach to Him. He desires so much more from us because He has so much more for us. And when we let Him, He will reveal more of Himself to us. As much as we are able to contain.

You and I, Us

So, it has been ten years now. Ten years later, we broke up. We were so near yet so far. Words barely could describe how I feel now. I could feel my heart being ripped out of my chest and all I could do is sob and cry myself to sleep. It has been three nights now. I miss him but there's nothing much I can do, it's over. So, why am I so upset. Why do I regret. Why...

Everything happens for a reason.

Why aren't you asking me what happened?!
Why aren't you finding out the truth and try to mend things back?!
Why are you not chasing me to find out the truth?!
Why have you given up on the thought you once had, I am the one and only girl who loves you even if the world ends and that you would never be able to find another girl like me.
Why would you have doubt / regrets on our date in KLCC (which for you, it's the start of this relationship)..
Why are you saying that I've brought so much happiness and contentment to you yet you choose to sit there and do nothing at time like this?!
Why would you have regretted that you've put in one year of effort into planning for our Osaka trip? It was the best trip for the both of us, isn't it?
Why are you doubting yourself and having the thought of regrets now?
Why would you say - If were to given one more chance, would we still choose to have started this relationship. Knowing that 10 years down the road, this would happen. If we knew this was coming, you (and I) wouldn't have been so heart broken as you (and I) are now.
Why, why, whyyyy...

For me, I don't think I have ever regretted of saying "yes" to us. Since it has already started, I would consider myself lucky / blessed to be loved by you and to have (so many) great memories with you, the good and bad. Deep down, I know the love we had for each other was something that no one in this world could ever understand but.. there was just too much misunderstanding and too many people being involved.

Maybe our start wasn't a good start - that you weren't 100% healed despite me waiting for you for a year. But "regrets" have never crossed my mind. Maybe that was our differences. I only regret that we hadn't been able to "try to" communicate nicely with each other and be more mature and open, until it was too late.

But I've came to conclusion that.. I don't think I would be able to love anyone as much as I've loved you. Maybe it is unfair for the "future", maybe it is just the beginning of our individual lives, until we found someone better (which I still don't seem to believe or accept). But at least, loving you is "the truth" for me. It saddens me (so much) that you refuse to believe it but it was also understandable.



I have missed you, I miss you still.
I have loved you, I think I love you still.

As much as I want to be with you and be part of your life, it still saddens me that we are broken.

Can things change or fixed? I do not know.

Til then.

Grace Koh

(4 months later)

基督徒的爱情，也许你不懂

基督徒，最幸福的事不是两个人的甜言蜜语；
最幸福的事，是跟你跪在地上一起祷告！

基督徒，最开心的事，不是跟你去游山玩水；
最开心的事，是跟你一起分享神的话！

基督徒，最仰慕你的事不是你的学历，你的知识；
最仰慕你的事，是你在神里面有智慧，有亮光！

基督徒，最爱你的事不是因为你外表如何英俊。
最爱你的事，是你在神面前反省着自己而痛哭流涕！

基督徒，最期望的事不是你事业有何伟大的前景；
最期望的事，是能跟你一起同工服事神！

基督徒，最佩服你的事不是你得到上司多高的评价；
最佩服你的事，是你能解答困惑中的人的问题！

基督徒，最温暖的事不是两个人的拥抱；
最温暖的事，是我在低谷时你能为我祷告！

基督徒，最想要的不是无名指上上万元的钻石戒指；
最想要的，是那无价的手永远牵拉着我！

基督徒，最想听的不是你嗓音发出的优美歌声；
最想听的，是从你嘴中说出的从耶和华神那里得着的智慧言语！

基督徒，最让我心动的，不是你所给人的感觉；
最让我心动的，是你在神面前那颗敬畏的心！

基督徒，最想听的不是-我爱你 
最想听的是，神真爱我，让我得着你！ 

愿每一个姐妹都做属神的智慧/贤德的妇人，也愿所有的弟兄好好珍惜爱护属于你特有的“肋骨”。

Work, will it be worth it?

They said do not treat your work life so seriously. No matter how much you have done, in the end, no one will appreciate.

Today, I finally understand that statement. Well, to cut things short, I charged overtime throughout my time charge. What I do, I will charge honestly. I admit, for the passed one month, I was fully devoted to my work and never a single day did I serve the web out of self interest.

But in reality, no one would actually believe that you had done that because no one would be able to do work fully, from beginning til the end, 8.30pm - 5.30pm. And I thought I could make a difference. haha, how silly of me.

And Deloitte's Human Resource (HR) finally request for approval to Aini. And she just finished having a chat with me. But of course it was after discussion with Fariz and they came to an agreement that we shouldn't simply charge the "overtime" even though it is under our staff benefit. When many seniors' cases were bigger than mine and Aini believe that she has distributed portfolios equally, which I couldn't be more grateful for that.

But what I'm really upset about was that the thought of not believing that people who doesn't serve web and were fully devoted to their work during working hours do not exist. Which I am one of them. At this point of time, I was wondering should i even insist on my stand. But some part of me struggle and a voice keep saying, "then what difference are you from them?".

Well, it's an ongoing thing. So, let God be my guide :)
But maybe I wouldn't charge OT anymore in future.

Are you taking God seriously?

The very reason I call myself a Christian raises the bar of what it means to live this life. It means being connected to His name I bear that I reflect Him in the life He has given me.

How can I do this if I do not spend time with Jesus Himself? The answer is - I can't.

If you try to be like Jesus without spending time with Him; try to live an abundant life while serving Him with leftovers, i.e. end of the day or only when you needed Him, you will never know / understand the depth of a true relationship with God. Satan knows this and he uses all his power to distract us by using things which made us feel good - "good things" to keep us from the best, life-changing things - presence of God Himself. 

Please Grace, think about these:-

Your schedule

Is God going to get your leftovers?
Are you going to pencil Him into your calendar?
Where can you spend more time with the Victor of your soul, the Lover of your heart, and Approver of your person?

Find a time that works for you to seek His face and know His heart - He wants to know you. STOP BEING LAZY because there isn't much time in this world to be laze around. Time is running out like a candle. Please, wake up.

What's Your View on 50 Shades of Grey?

"It's a fight that drives them not to argue mindlessly on social media but to let holiness guide every single decision of life, providing the world with both an example and answer for their faith."

- Phylicia Delta -

As I sat here reading comments of the "50 Shades of Grey", I felt awfully sad for the ones who read that book or seen / tend to see the movie. Worse, is that some people do not realized how damaging this is for them as it indirect affect their mind, marriage and indirectly create expectation for their current/future spouse. I myself, do not indeed to watch or read the book as I know my limits and I would not want to give in to lust. 

"We weigh our entertainment against the Word of God, and anything that is promoting an immoral or sinful story line, we stay away"

Unfortunately for some of the people, they couldn't seem to realize this and this results in giving way to their lust. Yes I agree sex in a marriage (under God's blessing) is good, lust is not. The director is smart enough to promote it as a Valentine's movie. Everyone has the wrong understanding that it is a "sexy and romantic" love story. In fact, romance is glaringly absent in this whole plot of this movie. Love doesn't even have a cameo role in this plot.

From the feedback that I've read so far from various authors, this movie was about a rich, handsome, experienced man uses his power to seduce and manipulate a young, innocent student (Anastasia Steele, 21 years old) into doing a lot of things which are extremely uncomfortable for her. They are not equal, they are not partners. In fact, there are no "they" in this story line. 

Rather, it was a movie about a narcissistic man's controlling and violent sexual desires and his sense of entitlement to use and abuse a vulnerable young woman's body and mind as tools for his ow gratification. It's all about his needs, coupled with the arrogant expectation that she should comply, regardless of her discomfort, to please him.

The thought of it make me sick as many ladies/women couldn't see how damaging how this movie is. With this said, how would boys/men suppose to see it? 

I read an article written by BonBonBreak.com named "A Letter to My Children about Fifty Shades of Grey" and this was what she wrote:-

Please, my daughters, don’t allow this romanticizing of sexual domestic abuse fool you into believing that you should ever allow yourself to be treated like Anastasia Steele. Please, my son, don’t watch this one day and believe that it’s ever okay to intimidate, manipulate or disrespect a woman like the ‘hero,’ Christian Grey. Nobody, male or female, wants or deserves to be disrespected, manipulated or violated against his or her wishes.

The comments received by some of her readers weren't exactly pleasant. But I guess this really shows how sick our world is. An example of the feedback from one of the readers whom read her letter wrote:-

“I have a feeling that you did not read any of the books. While I agree with some of what you are saying, you also have to have read the book to fully understand the truth of their thoughts and desires. She may have been uncomfortable with certain things, she was also curious and WANTED to try new things. While he behaviors are borderline criminal, so were the situations and self-destructive behaviors that SHE exhibited that he was trying to protect her from. Your reaction to the movie (which cannot ever fully communicate as well as a book), is your valid opinion, but is also vastly prejudiced. While the books are not for everyone, I feel that this watered down synopsis is unfair.”

“Yes the books are sexually intense but as many pointed out it is in fact fiction. And for the most part function as its best. Anne Rice an author from generations, before I was born wrote books more in depth, more visual, and much more "abusive" than 50 could have ever invested on creating. It is an incredible set of books, takes you out of reality and brings a different world for you. For me I was hooked, not because I hope one day to be tied to a bed and beaten. But because the descriptive words and plot surrounding the story was delicious and not my reality. 50 shades is a book where imagination is unlocked and taken 57929 steps forward, some like this and others don't. We can say the same about Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and Twilight... But we don't. So let's just leave all the incredible writers to their jobs, because I will continue reading. If you don't enjoy sexual bondage and being flogged... well then don't open the book and don't read it.”

It breaks my heart to see such comments being fired out. But Phylicia was right, instead of mocking on those who have chosen to elevate “modesty”, are we giving our everything as Christians? The kind of everything that hurts because it takes every part of us into consideration. A battlefield of deceit and lies and twisted, dirtied truth, desperately in need of light and purity.

As Christian, it’s about living lives of consecration, not compromise. We simply cannot live comprised lives up to 50 Shades of Grey and other extra sins. Holiness starts long before that and it starts with a heart that desires God. The Spirit of God truly dictate that we are consuming, doing and wearing because we love Him, and He deserves it.

Dear All, we are made for the surpassing love of Jesus Christ. Knowing that His love is the motive for us to give everything is more than enough to live this life. What would yours be?