This Person, This Someone

I hope you fall in love with :-

Someone who doesn't make you question your worth.
Someone who makes you feel seen for the beautiful person that you are in and out.
Someone who doesn't fight your flaws but rather fights with you against them.
Someone who chooses you confidently every single day.
Someone who inspires you to give the best part of yourselves to the world.
Someone who's strong enough to stay through the storms and not put additional weight on your relationship.

Someone who makes you laugh until your stomach hurts.
Someone who can share with you sweet silence and make you feel safe in the space in between that silence.

Someone faithful.
Someone trustworthy.
Someone imperfect but who admits when they're wrong and tries to make it better.
Someone who is afraid to lose you.
Someone who opens your heart to the world.
Someone who makes you venture, excited for tomorrow.
Someone who cares about others and compassionate.



Someone who doesn't take life too seriously.
Someone who will dance with you in a room full of people.
Someone who doesn't mind going on car rides with music at 5am in the morning.
Someone who is willing to watch a beautiful sunset with you.
Someone who understands your love language.
Someone who is always willing to understand and give you.
Someone who is responsible.
Someone who puts effort into themselves and you.
Someone who gets you, a person that can slowly become your best friend, a real partner that can balance you out.
Someone who shows up.
Someone truly kind.

Til then,

Grace Koh

Cave

I feared I might cave and look somewhere other than God for relief. It wasn't as though I couldn't have gone to someone for pastoral counseling or prayer support. I am richly surrounded by all of that, and I have made use of it far more often than I'm sure most of these kind people had time for in their busy schedules.

But I knew this was between me and God. He was doing something that I couldn't understand or explain to anyone else. And I had to go through it with Him alone.

I cried every single day. Actually, crying is not a strong enough word. Gut-wrenching sobs is more like it. I was continually blinded by rivers of unending tears. Even when the tears weren't visible on the outside, they flowed silently inside. Without any warning they would overtake me in an instant and spill over into the visible so profusely that I would have to excuse myself from where I was. Sometimes, my insides would be so strongly constricted by sobs that it was hard to breathe. It was not merely emotional; it was deeply spiritual. And I felt as though I were in a battle. A battle for my soul. A battle with God, but with the enemy of my soul. The enemy who wanted to destroy me and had tried so often and hard to do so in my past.

I couldn't explain it, and I didn't even want to try. Once again I had to lay down every dream I ever had. I'd done that in the past. Numerous times. I surrendered my dreams to God and let them die. Then He took away the ones that were not from Him and resurrected the ones that were. The difference now was that these were the dreams I thought God had resurrected. They were the ones He had given me, and I thought they were mine to keep. These had been my joy to think about. And now, it hurts unbearably to let them go. It tore at the fabric of my being. But I had to surrender everything to the One who would ultimately determine whether I ever saw those dreams realized or not.

It was pointless to resist.

I hope.. through it all, I will remain with my heart bowed at my heavenly Father's feet, humbled before His throne, and clinging to the hem of His garment. I hope the reason that I cried every time was for Him, particularly when I thought of all He had done for me. How He had sent Jesus to earth for me. 

Maybe, just maybe, I will soon realized that God wanted me to take our relationship personally. I thought I had been doing that, but He wanted more. What He had done in my life up until that point would pale in comparison  to what He wanted to do in my heart now.

God wanted to have such free reign in my heart that I would allow Him to break it up, pummel it, grind it into sand, and then make something new. Ultimately not just for me and my benefit, but for others as well.

I hope years down the road, I will come to see in deeper measure how awesome and wonderful our Lord is. How worthy of our praise and worship He is. We see so little of His greatness with our finite minds. We are practically clueless in our approach to Him. He desires so much more from us because He has so much more for us. And when we let Him, He will reveal more of Himself to us. As much as we are able to contain.

You and I, Us

So, it has been ten years now. Ten years later, we broke up. We were so near yet so far. Words barely could describe how I feel now. I could feel my heart being ripped out of my chest and all I could do is sob and cry myself to sleep. It has been three nights now. I miss him but there's nothing much I can do, it's over. So, why am I so upset. Why do I regret. Why...

Everything happens for a reason.

Why aren't you asking me what happened?!
Why aren't you finding out the truth and try to mend things back?!
Why are you not chasing me to find out the truth?!
Why have you given up on the thought you once had, I am the one and only girl who loves you even if the world ends and that you would never be able to find another girl like me.
Why would you have doubt / regrets on our date in KLCC (which for you, it's the start of this relationship)..
Why are you saying that I've brought so much happiness and contentment to you yet you choose to sit there and do nothing at time like this?!
Why would you have regretted that you've put in one year of effort into planning for our Osaka trip? It was the best trip for the both of us, isn't it?
Why are you doubting yourself and having the thought of regrets now?
Why would you say - If were to given one more chance, would we still choose to have started this relationship. Knowing that 10 years down the road, this would happen. If we knew this was coming, you (and I) wouldn't have been so heart broken as you (and I) are now.
Why, why, whyyyy...

For me, I don't think I have ever regretted of saying "yes" to us. Since it has already started, I would consider myself lucky / blessed to be loved by you and to have (so many) great memories with you, the good and bad. Deep down, I know the love we had for each other was something that no one in this world could ever understand but.. there was just too much misunderstanding and too many people being involved.

Maybe our start wasn't a good start - that you weren't 100% healed despite me waiting for you for a year. But "regrets" have never crossed my mind. Maybe that was our differences. I only regret that we hadn't been able to "try to" communicate nicely with each other and be more mature and open, until it was too late.

But I've came to conclusion that.. I don't think I would be able to love anyone as much as I've loved you. Maybe it is unfair for the "future", maybe it is just the beginning of our individual lives, until we found someone better (which I still don't seem to believe or accept). But at least, loving you is "the truth" for me. It saddens me (so much) that you refuse to believe it but it was also understandable.



I have missed you, I miss you still.
I have loved you, I think I love you still.

As much as I want to be with you and be part of your life, it still saddens me that we are broken.

Can things change or fixed? I do not know.

Til then.

Grace Koh

(4 months later)