So, it has been ten years now. Ten years later, we broke up. We were so near yet so far. Words barely could describe how I feel now. I could feel my heart being ripped out of my chest and all I could do is sob and cry myself to sleep. It has been three nights now. I miss him but there's nothing much I can do, it's over. So, why am I so upset. Why do I regret. Why...
Everything happens for a reason.
Why aren't you asking me what happened?!
Why aren't you finding out the truth and try to mend things back?!
Why are you not chasing me to find out the truth?!
Why have you given up on the thought you once had, I am the one and only girl who loves you even if the world ends and that you would never be able to find another girl like me.
Why would you have doubt / regrets on our date in KLCC (which for you, it's the start of this relationship)..
Why are you saying that I've brought so much happiness and contentment to you yet you choose to sit there and do nothing at time like this?!
Why would you have regretted that you've put in one year of effort into planning for our Osaka trip? It was the best trip for the both of us, isn't it?
Why are you doubting yourself and having the thought of regrets now?
Why would you say - If were to given one more chance, would we still choose to have started this relationship. Knowing that 10 years down the road, this would happen. If we knew this was coming, you (and I) wouldn't have been so heart broken as you (and I) are now.
Why, why, whyyyy...
For me, I don't think I have ever regretted of saying "yes" to us. Since it has already started, I would consider myself lucky / blessed to be loved by you and to have (so many) great memories with you, the good and bad. Deep down, I know the love we had for each other was something that no one in this world could ever understand but.. there was just too much misunderstanding and too many people being involved.
Maybe our start wasn't a good start - that you weren't 100% healed despite me waiting for you for a year. But "regrets" have never crossed my mind. Maybe that was our differences. I only regret that we hadn't been able to "try to" communicate nicely with each other and be more mature and open, until it was too late.
But I've came to conclusion that.. I don't think I would be able to love anyone as much as I've loved you. Maybe it is unfair for the "future", maybe it is just the beginning of our individual lives, until we found someone better (which I still don't seem to believe or accept). But at least, loving you is "the truth" for me. It saddens me (so much) that you refuse to believe it but it was also understandable.
I have missed you, I miss you still.
I have loved you, I think I love you still.
As much as I want to be with you and be part of your life, it still saddens me that we are broken.
Can things change or fixed? I do not know.
Til then.
Grace Koh
(4 months later)
0 comments:
Post a Comment