Change of mind

I've finally had the time to settle down and go through my life one more time. It had been a long journey. There were ups, and there would definitely have downs. However, life still goes on. 

I came across to realized that I was an extreme dreamer in the past, which results with expectations. And when expectations weren't being met, I got hurt. Anger becomes a sin when it is allowed to boil over without restraint. Anger sometimes can also be a tool to manipulate and control others. As i try to suppress anger, I do violence to my inner self. While slowly leads to depression. Then I realized, many times, you are alone. There is no one who you can blabber and a listener because either you would get scold or judged. So, what's the point?

Many times, I conceal my annoyance. 
Many times, I seek false peace.
Many times, I use silence as a form of retaliation.
Many times, I pretend to be nice to people.
Many times, I suffer from insomnia and sometimes appetite.

There were times I tried to ignore, forgive, forget. I did that well 2 years ago but patients would have its limit. And it will explode. It's just timely matter. Probably I wasn't as naive as before. Sometimes, I didn't understand how did i manage to have such good patient all these years. But today, I am at my 21th, and honestly, patient wasn't an easy task as it was compare to before. 

When I was still young, marriage, love and eternal always occur in my mind. Dreams filled me. Today, I doubt. The thought of marriage frightens me. How many times had i told myself I would be independent but those were just words without actions. I was too emotionally attached. I fall in love easily and accept easily. Many times, i tried telling myself to be emotionless, independent and cool. Don't take things too seriously because in the end you will get hurt and there will be no one to rely on. We are all fragile humankind after-all. How many would treat you sincerely? *laughs*

How well do you protect your love's reputation? How much love would you give your love? How much patients would you give your love? I might not be obvious, but one day, one is gonna get tired. Many times, humans tend to commit suicide. It can be done in many ways. It's just your choice of making it fast or slow.

However, love was hard to find. And I finally understand that's why people wear masks to cover up. But my mirror was easy to look through, how shall i do now to cover back up?

~GraceKoh~