“The thing that all really good marriages and love relationships have in common is that they communicate to their partner a model that when you’re upset, I listen. The world stops, and I listen. And we repair things. We don’t let things go. We don’t leave one another in pain. We talk about it, and we repair.
- Drake Baer -
On this early morning, I came across this during work. I guess God really had His timing of healing and talk through my heart when I am at my lowest. Yes, I had an unpleasant night with him yesterday after table tennis session. When we were both on our own beds, I notice that his whatsapp was constantly maintain as "online". At first I choose to ignore, but in the end I couldn't held my anger and jealousy til I asked him, "Whatcha doing?". And there was when he told me he was talking with Beliza and Su Yi. In relation to that, I was overwhelmed by my jealousy and my heart closed. I told him to enjoy himself chatting with them and wish him goodnight. I off my phone immediately. Lying there in the dark, I did thought of turning back on my phone again to see his status. But I didn't. Let alone be it and I doze off minutes later after being overly exhausted.
Early in the morning, I received his text. Being very disappointed, he voiced out his frustration, partially. That was when I realized :-
Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.
Proverbs 10:12
Proverbs 10:12
I was blinded by my anger and jealousy. I forgot about gentleness because I never knew what he was going through because he never tells, share or wanted too. The reason behind was he thinks I look down on his job. Yes I admit, initially I did but I've learn to respect his decisions and at the meantime trying to lookout for better opportunities for him. But I guess the trust wasn't there. Thus, he would rather tell his colleagues or anyone else except me. How am I suppose to know what is he thinking or going through. Probably his trying to protect himself from facing the disappointment shown on my face but I guess this will not help but only distance us.
They said in a good relationship, people are very gentle with the way they come on about a conflict. They don’t bare their fangs and leap in there; they’re very considered. Instead of pointing their finger and saying, ‘You asshole!,’ they say, ‘Hey babe, it’s not a big deal, but I need to talk about it and I need to hear from you.’ OR “When you walked out of the room, that really hurt my feelings, because I felt like what I was saying was unimportant to you. And I really need you to stay in the room when we talk about an issue.” (Instead of turning it into a debate and telling them that they’re wrong, you report how you feel). Yes I admit, resolving conflict gracefully is a skill in itself. In order to get better at conflict, we have to learn how to talk to each other emotionally — listen to each others’ conversation, a.k.a. a skill of intimate conversation.
Due to the emotional distance, I guess many miscommunication and misalignment were created. Causing conversations to end. But I guess life is really about constant learning and developing new vision, skills and fruits of the Spirit.
What did I learn from here?
To be more independent, confidence and strong. Overall, to overwhelm anger and jealous by fighting away with unconditional love. Last but not least, a side note for myself :-
Instead of seeing conflict as a sign that you and your partner are incompatible, you can see it as a natural, constructive part of knowing somebody really well.
Til Then.
Love,
Grace Koh
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